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| idk what to think right now im so confused and agry and hurt but at the same time im not sure if it is for a valid reason. it might all just b something in my head. having someone that means the world to u and knowing that there are things that she wont tell u and keeps from u hurts more than anything. i keep pushing and pushing trying to get her to open up to me but she wont. ive tried the whole waiting for her to come out and tell me everything on her own but that backfired as well. i tried to talk to her again that other day and once again all i got was a blank stare like i was a complete idiot or something and she just wanted me to die for asking. i get the feeling sometimes that she secretly hates me and thinks im just some idiot she has to put up with cause she doesnt want to look for anyhitng else. or that im just a fall back for when she wants somewhere else to b other than home. then today i she left me at her house to sleep while she went to class. i got up to check my mail cause i was wanting to see the new blog she had posted. while i was at it i decided to check and see if she had put the pics of her and i on her comp and instead frnd a bunch of pics of her and other guys...after she had just gone off on me the other day about having pics of my x's and wanting me to get rid of them. not only that but there were also saved conversations between her and other guys. the topics of which i will not go into. and not one single saved convo between ehr and i although i know we had many. worst part is that the convo was from after we had started to go out. | | |
| well it has been forever since i last used this stupid site lol. but here i am again. a lot has happened in the past couple of months. i was finally fully out of the army in march and started to work again. i was working at food lion for a few months there and that was not too bad really. i actually enjoyed it pretty much. i liked working and i worked as much as i could. i was in just about every department lol. and prolly was getting more hours than most of the rest of the employees. but then i ended up gettin tired of that job and knew that i needed a job that would make me more money and have better benifits. so i started to work as a security guard at Dunbar. which is where i am still working now. as a matter of fact i am at work this very moment. lol. then there is the most imprtant thing that has ever happened in my life that happened about 5 1/2 - 6 months ago. i met Bri. i can still remember the first time i ever saw her. she was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. i knew right away that she was the girl i would fall in love with. and sure enough we spent every spare moment since that day together. and plan to do the same for the rest of our lives. last weekend i asked her father for permission to marry her and he said yes which suprised the thell outa me cause i was not sure if he liked me and so far he has never liked any of bri's boyfriends. and then this saturday i finally asked her to marry me. it was the happiest moment of my life. she said yes and then dove on me to kiss me. the funny thing is that i did it in the middle of hooters in front of everyone. and even though there were prolly about a hundred people plus there i only saw her. she was and is the most beautifl girl i have ever seen and i cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with her. but anyways the shuttle is here so i havet o go load the truck so i can get done and go home for the nite to my beautiful fiancee bri. i cannot wait to see her . i love her more than anyhting in the world and i am going to spend th rest of my life making her happy. | | |
| well my life is going rather interestingly lately...been keeping super busy...working 3 jobs and running my ass of all over the place...not sleeping or eating or anyhting like i should but at least im staying busy. just trying to keep my mind off of things. i've been spending a lot of time with jess which has really helped out a lot. she is great and i love being around her. it's great to have someone to spend time with again and who actually seems to like me for me and not just want to use me. it's still hard though. brings back lots of memories and all from all my time with shawn. it's really hard to forget the best friend u ever had...plus gettin close to people has deff not been something im very good with anymore. i've gotten so used to losing everyone that i have just come to expect it to happen all the time and i sometimes feel like im just scrabbling to hold on untill she finds someone better and tells me to get lost. it doesn't help that my family members are once again dropping like flies all over. y does everyone always have to die at the same time or get hurt or sent to the hospital at the same time? it's al i ever hear in my family. ur uncle just died and ur grandfather is in the hospital again and might not make it this time...and ur grandma just had another stroke...ur aunt had a seizure today...ur little cousin was killed on a four wheeler this morning....ur great grandfather fell and broke his hip and the doctors think hes not gonna b able to walk again and might not live much longer...and his kidneys have failed completely now....and his veins are not taking the needles anymore for dialisys and he wont b able to do it anymore soon which means he will slowly b poisoned my his own body till he dies...y does all this shit happen? i've just gotten used to death. everyone gets mad at me when someone dies and i don;t wanna go to the funeral. but it's gotten to where its just liek goin to a bad movie for me now. i know what is gonna happen and what is gonna b said and im sick of it so what is the point? i have better things to do than go sit and watch a dead guy get stuck in the dirt again. it gets old after a while. and people wonder why i just dont care anymore...fuck it i don;t even feel like typing anymore i need a drink... | | |
| today was a lot of fun really. i got up as usual and hit the gym with
bix for a good shoulder and bicep workout. then came home and headed up
to see kim. i was really excited bout tonite because this will b the
first time kim and i have ever gone on a date. even though we were
kinda "together" a year or so ago fora lil while but never
actually dated. she told me to suprise her for our date lol. but i
didn;t know anywhere in westminster so she ended up having to tell me
where we could go lol. i felt pretty silly. it has been forever since i
have taken anyone out and so i was a lil rusty when it came to goin on
a date lol. expecially when iw as taking a girl that i really like and
care about and really wanted to have a good time with. but it was just
nice to see her and be with her for once. it had been almost a year
since we last saw each other. i had not realized just how much i missed
being around her untill we were hanging out tonite. just talkin to her
is fun. she looked really cute tonite too which was distracting me the
entire time i was driving lol. she kept having to remind me when the
lights turned green that i could go lmao. it was great to talk to her
and talk about old times. it is so funny all the little things we
remember and laugh about. her old room mates god damned alorm clock !!
lmao. or the lil habits we formed from that semester we hung out lol.
like how we both sleep cuddlin up to a pillow now cause we r so used to
having someone there. i thought i was the only one who did that till
tonite lol. i realized tonite just how much i really had missed her
company. and that kiss goodbye....whoa... that is the first time i have
really kissed someone like that in forever and it felt great lol. i
smiled most of the way home cause of that. and i don;t care how girlie
anyone says that is u can all kiss my ass i was happy ok? deal with
it!! lol but anyways enough of all that junk lol. i've written way too
much already..i think ima go pass out now. gottag et up early to hit
the gym tomorrow then goin to bar baltimore at nite.
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